offering #007: shifting, simplicity, and surrendering
a letter to my friends on how I am, genuinely.
The spring gives me the energy of a thousand red bulls and I am endlessly grateful. Yesterday it felt so good to let water run through my hair and revive my curls. We’re back to my love/hate relationship with my curls that will be resolved by the end of this summer - we’re on a search for new products, new perspectives, and new ways of being.
In the spirit of reflection, I have to say that I am glad to write today, even at this very moment. I know my audience and it is to my closest friends and family. It is to Truth and Kenya, Karyn and Kennedy, Kayshel and Isabel, and mysteriously to whoever happens upon my Substack. I haven’t shared this with my colleagues or in a super public way. It hasn’t felt right yet, but I think I’m getting closer to the why.
My Quarter Life Crisis is still Crisis-ing.
There’s something in me changing and I honestly surrender to it. In the middle of a long-term relationship (??) turned awkward asf situationship (??), I’m really re-learning my own voice. Social media has given me language like anxious attachment and co-dependency and mental illnesses in general are being more widely researched and spread, but those are only 2-3 minutes of content. In the back of my head is my colleague, Marian Urquilla lovingly and firmly telling me that I’m operating out of a socialized mindset (Robert Keegan, Lisa Lahey) and that I need to make a shift from believing that things are happening to me vs. me constructing my own narrative. At the center of all of this was a challenge I received from my gifted coach, Toni Cooke, who asked me mid-December 2023 what it would take for me to begin operating out of a place of more authenticity.
Lately, I’ve decided to take off the mask I’ve been wearing which feels risky and increases my own vulnerability, but ultimately, it will save me. Last year, I started to get chest pains which really freaked me out. It felt like my chest was stretching and that if I moved it would pop. I literally thought I was about to have a heart attack. I learned later that these were panic attacks and it really frightened me to see symptoms of my stress showing up physically. My mode at work, home, and in life in general felt like I was constantly triaging and last week, Toni gave me one of the most remarkable and transformative decision frames I’ve ever encountered: what is mine to hold? What is mine to share? And what is for me to let go of? Mind. Freaking. Blown.
This is a round about way of saying that I have gotten to a particularly solemn pitchfork in the road where I can’t opt to avoid or worse rely on needing to making everything “okay.” I have to be real. And as much as it feels risky, it also feels right. I clearly saw my future and feel more tender with myself. I’ve bought ingredients for lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, and brownies (all from scratch), my daughter and I played soccer with a bunch of guys at our neighborhood soccer field, I drew pictures and colored (seen earlier), you know - I even decided that there are some poems you just let go of. It is a pivotal and rhapsodic moment I encounter because, look, I do believe that strain can foster growth, I know that there will be suffering but also to be very real, it is just beautiful to be where I am right now and I thank God for calling my attention to wonder in all of this simplicity.
Quote of the Week
I cannot say this one enough: “What is mine to hold, what is mine to share, and what is for me to let go of?” - Toni Cooke <3
Song of the Week
Of course, I have to put on for Beyonce. All the haters can immediately exit left - you all are NOT my audience. The Cowboy Carter album has been a total adventure - Bey finally made an album for the alto girls and I am just endlessly thankful.
“Just for Fun.” - Beyonce, Willie Nelson. I mean “Time heals everything. I don’t need any thing” whewwwwwww. Still shook.
Book of the Week
Imma keep it a stack - I haven’t read not a book at all this week so I have NOTHING to offer you - sorry, hopefully next week!
Weekly Offering
Let’s be all the way real, It takes $$$ to fund any hobby and I’ve been cracking down on my budget. I heard that it’s better to write it in a journal, so I’ve been doing that and constantly reconciling. One thing that’s been nice to incorporate is writing quick notes of reflection against my budget. One thought I did have the other day is that I feel so behind when learning about investments, high yield savings account - it all just feels unattainable. I need to find a financial counselor, but setting budget goals are helping me a) be grateful for my financial situation and b) bffr with myself.
Light hobby. Whether it’s a letter, or drawing pictures step by step, or writing short reflections, it can be meditating, praying, painting, crocheting - whatever! It’s important to get reps in - you only get stronger when you do. Idk about y’all but sometimes I think my biggest competition is myself. It makes me think of this poem by Marianne Williamson my parents made us memorize when we were children that I still have memorized to this day.
signing out…
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